Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
