I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
