This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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