So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
