I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
