i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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