So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
40s are totally the cure
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize