Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
