first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
