Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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