You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
