cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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