Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
The air taste purple.
Randomize
