In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The best revenge is premature balding
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
