Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
