peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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