I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
