I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
