she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Randomize
