Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Randomize
