allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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