so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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