Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize