You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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