my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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