my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
