Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
