after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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