sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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