There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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