2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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