dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
if i can run in heels then i can drive
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
