2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize