I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
