i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
