No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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