Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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