Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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