Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
