How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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