you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
