He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
