My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I checked into jail on foursquare
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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