take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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