i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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