i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
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