wrigley field is MILF paradise
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
