i already hear my dad disowning me
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
