Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
