he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
