So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
