THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
