problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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