But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
