Well douche your snatch and let's go!
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
