I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
is wine microwaveable?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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