2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
