He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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