Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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