fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
