I'm eating all of the evidence.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
