Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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