genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize