i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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