the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
