I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize