Capitaan dildo arrescate!
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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