god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I cockslap morals
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize
