Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
