I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
