apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Sext me about skeletons
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
